Brian and Paul Do Daycare
by The Lori C
Summary: The former tag team champions do some volunteer work in a church day care with amusing results.


-1"Come on, dude," Brian said after pulling up to a church. He poked a dozing Paul. "We're here."

"Huh?" Paul looked around. "Gee, Spanky, I knew you needed religion, but I never thought you'd take it literally."

"Funny. This is the place Dixie wrote on the paper."

"Oh, yeah, the big project you dragged my ass out of bed at seven-thirty this morning to accompany you on your do-gooder mission."

"Quit whining. You haven't been doing anything since you came back from your brother's wedding, and it's good public relations for both of us."

"What are we doing, mowing the lawn? It's hot as hell out there, and I'm not the dumb ass in TNA."

"Nope, we're going to be inside. Dixie said I could bring a friend, and who better than you? Besides, this 'dumb ass in TNA' is will be X Division Champion in the very near future."

"Keep telling yourself that, Spanky."

Brian looked at the paper again. "I have to find a Sister Mary–"

"If you say Sister Mary Elephant, I'm going to laugh my ass off."

"Carmichael." Brian glared at him. "Now will you get moving?"

Paul grabbed his backpack, and they walked toward the church entrance. They stepped into a lobby, greeted by a welcoming blast of air conditioning. A custodian sweeping spotted the pair. "May I help you?"

Brian nodded. "I'm looking for Sister Mary Carmichael."

"Oh yes, she said she was expecting a couple of gentlemen this afternoon. Sister Mary is right in the back, second door to your right."

"Thanks."

"What the hell did you sign us up for?" Paul asked in a low voice.

"Dude, watch your language; we're in a church." He knocked on the second door they approached, and a female voice called for them to come in.

"Sister Mary?" Brian asked to make sure he had the right person.

"Yes, and you must be Brian. Ms. Carter said so many good things about you. I see you brought a friend. How nice! The children are going to be so happy to see you."

Paul gulped. "Um…_children? _Spanky, what the–"

Brian clapped a hand over his mouth. "This is Paul, and we are looking forward to spending a couple of hours with the kids."

"Good! The day care is right this way."

Sister Mary led the pair to another room down the hall, filled with a dozen active youngsters of various ages. She introduced them to the kids and then returned to her work, leaving Paul and Brian to their devices.

"_Day care?" _Paul glared at Brian. "You're lucky to be my best friend or I'd slit your throat."

"Come on, it's only for two hours. You act like we're in the gas chamber."

"Kids are just _not _my bag."

"Could've fooled me. I've seen you with them, and you're a natural."

Brian spotted two boys wrestling out of the corner of his eye. "Hey, hey! Break that up, you two." He rushed over to pry the pair apart.

"We were just goofing around," the first boy said.

"You guys do it on TV," the second boy added.

Another boy came over and plopped a baby on Paul's lap. "This is my sister," he said. "Her name's Nicole."

"Nice." Paul smiled wanly at her. "Hey, Nicole."

"You always had a way with the ladies, PL," Brian teased him.

"Shut up. Can't you take her?"

"I got to talk to these guys for a few minutes. She won't bite you, dude."

"Yeah," the brother said. "She doesn't have any teeth!"

"Anyway, boys, have a seat. You need to understand what you see on TV isn't as easy as it looks."

"We're specially trained to do the stuff you watch," Paul added. "Even then, even we get hurt. That's why there's messages telling kids not to do certain things at home."

"No more choking each other or jumping off things," Brian said. "Understand? You don't want Sister Mary or your parents to get upset, do you?"

"No way, and we don't want to go to the doctor either!" one boy replied.

"That's the spirit."

"Can we have some autographs to show our folks?"

"Sure, Think you guys can find me and my buddy some writing material?"

The boys eagerly nodded before they scampered off to find paper and pens. Brian then spied another incident across the room. "Oh, shit!" He turned to Paul. "Stay here a minute."

"Do I have a choice? I have this drooling and burping machine on my lap."

"She's already picked up two of your traits. Way to go, man."

Brian rushed over just in time to intercept a water balloon about to be dropped on an unsuspecting little girl's head by another boy. "Whoa, dude, that's not cool. You're in a church, and there's only room for one Satan anyway."

"You're mean."

"No, I'm a gentleman, and it isn't nice to hit little girls with water balloons. Besides, Sister Mary will get you for that."

"Girls suck."

"Yeah, buddy, tell me that when you're sixteen. Come on, some other boys want to form a dodge ball team. They need a bigger kid, and you're perfect."

"Awesome! I can kick some wimpy kids' asses!"

"Hey, mind your language. God's watching, and there's young ladies present in here."

They went back to the group of boys, where Paul was signing things for them while still balancing Nicole in his lap. "Having fun?"

"Not bad. You know, Spanky, I could get used to this."

"Knew you'd warm up to the idea." Brian picked up a Sharpie and began signing autographs for the group. Soon he heard an odd sound that caused Paul to jump. Brian glared at him as an offensive odor filled the room. "Dude, did you fart?"

"Ewwww!" the kids cried in unison.

"It was this baby. I think she just dropped a load."

"That's real classy, Paul. Rip one and then blame a poor, defenseless baby."

"I'm telling you, this kid crapped her pants."

The kids around them laughed. Paul attempted to hand Nicole to Brian, who shook his head. "Sorry, man, that's your job. I'm busy right now."

"You're hopeless," Paul replied. He set Nicole down on a changing pad and opened her diaper. "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! What the fuck do people feed this kid?"

"Paul said a bad word!" a little girl said. "Sister Mary says God will get mad when you say bad words!"

"Hear that?" Brian replied. "Clean up your mouth while you're cleaning that baby's butt."

"Like you've never dropped the 'F bomb' a few times."

"Sure, but never in a _church, _and certainly not in front of kids."

They went about the rest of their duties without incident, Paul handing Nicole back to her older brother once she was changed. He then saw something disturbing out of a corner of his eye at the "balloons" a pair of kids were blowing up.

"What the…_hey! _Where did you get those?"

"Out of that green bag. They're cool balloons, and they came in these wrappers. See?" A girl held up a torn foil condom wrapper.

"Um, listen. Those aren't exactly balloons. That green bag is my backpack."

"Uh oh. Are we in trouble? Are you gonna tell Sister Mary?"

"Nah, it's cool, but if you see something that isn't yours, ask next time, okay?"

Brian saw the entire incident and walked over. "Only you'd bring rubbers into a day care, dumb ass. Were you expecting to score with the nuns or something?"

"My iPod was in that bag, and I didn't want it getting stolen. I have my water bottle in there too. I forgot about the condoms. Happy now?"

"Thrilled. Come on, our time is almost up. We have to find Sister Mary and tell her we're ready to leave."

Paul sighed with relief. "Finally."

"Admit it, you ended up enjoying yourself, even the kids using your rubbers for balloons."

"At least Sister Mary didn't walk in on _that _incident. I think she would reserve me a special place in hell for sure."

"Nah, just banned from church day care centers for life, but I doubt that would affect you much. Once we're done with Sister Mary, you're treating us to lunch."

A wicked grin crossed Paul's face. "I know the perfect place. Hooter's has great wings."

"Yep, you're definitely going to hell."


End file.
